Being in love and loving are different things. Being in love, above all, does not automatically lead to love. Perhaps the biggest difference is that being in love is something that happens to us. Love, on the other hand, is a work — something that develops over time through our own contribution.
When you’re in love, you experience the other person almost entirely in a positive light. It’s a euphoric experience, almost like being intoxicated. Our thoughts keep circling around the other person, and from the outside, our behavior is no longer perceived as quite normal.
The state of being in love often suggests the illusion that our partner is a perfect match for us. We only see what we have in common, not the differences.
Naturally, the euphoric effect fades after some time, and we enter a phase of waking up, in which we start to see our partner differently. The partner no longer matches the imagined ideal, and disappointment can set in. At the latest by this point, it’s worth actively working on the relationship if you want it to grow.
What Active Love Means – Being in Love vs. Loving
The topic of being in love versus loving is not a philosophical thought experiment. It has very concrete consequences for how couples treat each other — and for whether a relationship holds up over the long term. Love isn’t an emotion that’s simply there or not. It’s a decision made anew every day. Which requirements are decisive for that is described in Happy Partnership: Three Important Requirements.
What does that mean, concretely? Love doesn’t show itself in grand gestures, but in small things. It shows in how you speak to each other when you’re tired. How you react when the other person disappoints you. Whether you’re willing to genuinely take the other person’s perspective — even when it’s uncomfortable.
Actively loving means, among other things:
- Showing presence — really listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak
- Tolerating conflict — not avoiding tension, but understanding it as part of the relationship
- Taking responsibility — for your own behavior, your own reactions, your own patterns
- Letting the other person grow — without control, without fear, without constantly needing reassurance
- Allowing vulnerability — showing your inner life without knowing how it will be received
That sounds simple. It isn’t. All of this requires being in a certain kind of contact with yourself. Anyone who doesn’t know their own needs can’t communicate them either. Anyone who hasn’t processed old wounds will, sooner or later, carry them into the relationship.
Why the Transition Often Fails
The phase after being in love is the most critical moment in a relationship. Neurobiologically, this is well documented: the intense release of dopamine and oxytocin tapers off, and the brain returns to a normal state. What remains is the person — with all their edges, quirks, and contradictions. Research bodies such as AWMF, Germany’s umbrella organization for medical societies, study the psychological and neurobiological basis of transitions like this, among other topics.
Many couples fail at this transition because they bring along a fundamental misunderstanding: they believe that the intensity of being in love is the yardstick for a good relationship. When the spark fades, they interpret it as a sign that something is wrong — or worse, that they chose the wrong person.
That leads to a familiar pattern: people look for the next exciting feeling instead of investing in the relationship they already have. Or they stay together, but withdraw internally. Closeness gets avoided, because real closeness means vulnerability — and vulnerability feels frightening.
How real love can develop instead — and why that takes time — is something worth exploring on its own, since love that lasts is built quite differently from the intensity of first attraction.
On top of that come unspoken expectations. During the being-in-love phase, these were never actually tested, because everything was seen through rose-tinted glasses. Now, in everyday life, different ideas about closeness, freedom, family, money, or sexuality collide. Anyone who hasn’t learned to talk about these things will stay silent — and in the long run, silence costs more than any difficult conversation.
The Coaching Perspective: Consciously Shaping Being in Love vs. Loving
In my work as a life and business coach and couples therapist in Vienna, I regularly see that couples only seek support once things are already on fire. That’s understandable, but a shame — because so much would be easier to sort out if you looked at it sooner.
Something I keep observing in my work with couples: the real conflict is rarely where people assume it is. Couples who argue about household chores are usually really arguing about recognition. Couples who complain about too little sex are often really talking about a lack of emotional connection. The surface and the core are two different levels — and both need attention.
Coaching and couples therapy are not a repair shop for broken relationships. They are a space in which couples learn to talk to each other again — honestly, without attacking, without withdrawing. A space in which each person also looks at themselves: which patterns, needs, or old wounds they are bringing into the relationship, and how much of the current conflict actually belongs to right now, rather than to some earlier chapter of their life.
If you’d like to learn more about working on your relationship: Couples Therapy or Life Coaching.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between being in love and loving?
Being in love is a euphoric, mostly involuntary state, shaped by a strong release of dopamine and oxytocin. Loving, on the other hand, is an active decision and a daily practice — it continues even once the feeling of being in love fades.
Why does the feeling of being in love fade over time?
It’s neurobiological: the intense release of dopamine and oxytocin from the early phase naturally tapers off. That’s not a sign that something is wrong — it’s a normal transition into a deeper phase of attachment.
Why do so many couples fail right at this transition?
Because they mistake the fading euphoria for a warning sign instead of a natural process. Instead of actively investing in the relationship, they withdraw or start looking for the next exciting feeling.
How can you learn to actively love?
Actively loving means truly listening to the other person, allowing vulnerability, and choosing the relationship anew each day instead of waiting for the initial feeling to return. Coaching and couples therapy can help identify entrenched patterns.
